The Weary World Rejoices

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Growing up, our church’s theme scripture was Isaiah 40:31 “They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.”  However, tied to not being weary or growing faint was following the rules and regulations set by a man. It was all about the conditional love of God, which is not truth or reality.

You see, God sent his son knowing that from the very beginning we are weak and only He is strong. We all would inevitably mess up and need a savior. We would never measure up. God had it all planned from the beginning that he would send a rescuer to draw us all back to himself in his amazing family.

We are inevitably going to grow weary. Weary in our sin. Weary in our work and toil. Weary in others sins towards us. Weary in this sinful world, but if you read the whole chapter of Isaiah (Well, if you read the whole Bible!) it is all about grace. The whole Bible is a theme of man messing up or being hurt or being so called “damaged goods”. The fact is we are all going to grow weak, we are all going to fail and fall and get hurt. BUT back up in Isaiah and you’ll see the promised hope. The hope that is available for all of us who find ourselves weak and weary needing a savior and a friend. The hope of Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 “ Therefore, the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel (God with us).”

He promises to be with us. He promises to be there when we call, arms wide open.
Always Loving. Always Faithful. Always there.

There’s nothing we can do to earn this love. It’s done. It’s there for you.
Jesus didn’t come to earth and say, “Here I am, but not for Karrah because she’s too _____. Or no, not you Bob you’re gonna _______. Hold up, Helen, not you either.” No. Jesus came down to earth for all. For you. Knowing your sin, your faults, your weaknesses, knowing you might reject him, knowing you would need him in those darkest moments. He came to bring you, son and daughter, back to your true father- the perfect father who loves you with no conditions and loves you faithfully.

Oh, that we would grasp and receive that love. The love we all sing and celebrate this season. Jesus came to and for you. Just as you are, run to him. Run to the “never stopping, never giving up, always and forever” big, great, amazing love of our savior, Jesus, of our creator, our father, God.

Let us all, the weary ones, rejoice this season and always in this love that not one can truly compare or fathom.

Isaiah 35:3
“Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, ‘Be strong, fear not!’ Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and SAVE you.” (That’s Jesus)

This Little Light

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It is no secret that this time last year I was pregnant and had heard its little heartbeat, however, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. This time last year my cousin was also battling in his last days with cancer. Last summer was challenging to say the least. I strongly believe in the truth that once life begins and a little heart starts beating-life is life forever- and death, although seeming like an ending, does not end there- life is life, but death is not death forever thanks to Jesus Christ. Life continues somewhere.

“ …but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Philippians 1:20-26

There are a lot of memories that stand out from that summer and one in particular was us listening over and over to Otis Redding’s “This Little Light of Mine.” Livi would dance to it and we would joyfully get it stuck in our heads (because Otis Redding is the best of course!). A year later I see that there was no coincidence in that song choice that summer. Let me explain why…

That summer brought on a lot of sadness, but for me personally it also brought a lot of fear. Fear, specifically, with having another pregnancy. Pregnancy in general is scary no matter what… even if you have a completely healthy, easy pregnancy- Google has made pregnancy scary for us all. If you have had infertility, miscarriages, or complications with pregnancies it’s much scarier.

Needless to say, when I got pregnant this time there were a lot of fears that came and a lot of tears in fear of the unknown.   Those fears were accompanied with a whole lot of puking… which actually helped ease my worries… It’s amazing what God will “gift” you with that though it seems like a burden can actually be a huge blessing and cause for thanksgiving. Every time I went to the doctor and he asked how I was feeling I would say “terrible…” and he would say “good!”, for me, apparently that is good!

These fears constantly drew me to His word… again a blessing and cause for thanksgiving. I was reminded repeatedly how often people in the Bible were scared. And how tenderhearted and compassionate God was towards His people in their fear. He knows we are human and weak, but He knows that when we draw to Him we are made strong and courageous. Joshua is a great example of that… I don’t recall Joshua repeatedly telling God he was a afraid, however God was always quick to remind him NOT to be afraid or dismayed but to know that He was with him.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:8

If you do a search of scriptures saying “do not be afraid” you will be overwhelmed in a good way at how many times angels, Jesus, or God approached people with that phrase because they know of our human, sinful instinct to be afraid (Genesis 3:10). And in that He offers compassion and the truth that in Him we don’t need to be afraid.

David faithfully went to God with his fears, as well, knowing God was the source of peace. Psalms 27 I have gone to about a hundred times in the last several months…

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1

The analogy of light has been a theme for this baby I now carry. As I turn to His word He has continually shown his power – the power of light.

“In him was LIFE, and the life was the LIGHT of men. The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it. “ John 1:4-5

There’s something about darkness that instills fear and something about light that instills faith and hope. When I was young I was never afraid of the dark, however I had horrible nightmares… still do… there was something about nighttime and darkness that brought out fears. When Ernie is out of town I am fine all day, but come nighttime every little sound can cause me to be more alert and wish I had a big dog. In darkness there is fear, but in light there is faith, hope, and trust. Jesus is the LIGHT and walking with Him means walking in LIGHT free from fear!

At the big 20 week ultrasound for this baby I had a strong feeling that they would “find” something, but simultaneously a peace about whatever it was they might find and a strong “knowing” it would be ok. Sure enough, the doctor came in and told us they found an echogenic (“lighted”) bowel, which could be a number of things. Most commonly associated with Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis, but it could be a list of other things -including nothing at all. After meeting with the doctor we had to go in a room and meet with a genetic counselor, go over our family history, et cetera. Thankfully I had already had genetic testing done which showed no sign of Downs or Cystic Fibrosis- of course they always tell you the chances and your options of what to do next. (I hear this is relatively common, so I’m sure some reading would be able to relate). Through the entire appointment I had no fear. I had peace and hope no matter what the outcome. “The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness cannot overcome it.”

Following that appointment we had to go back every four weeks for ultrasounds to monitor the baby’s growth and the echogenic bowel. At 24 weeks it was still there, but she was growing on target. Most recently at 28 weeks we found she is still growing on target and the echogenic bowel was gone! Praise God! I strongly believe that with the first “feeling” that something would be “off” to today- knowing everything is ok- God was using it all to remind me that in my hosts of fears of another pregnancy – “Do not be afraid or dismayed for I am your God. I am with you wherever you go.” God planned to use this to show me “He is my light and my salvation” so what is there to be afraid of?

I know that there are much more scary scenarios that occur during pregnancy (or lack there of) and some turn out being great and some do not. Some results instinctively bring about sadness and fears. Those facts made me very hesitant about writing and sharing because my story might seem small or insignificant, however God’s plan and His word is never small or insignificant. He has a plan and a purpose through every little detail of our lives and that is to bring about joy and His Glory no matter what.

So, I know there is no coincidence in last summer’s repeated song choice of “This Little Light of Mine” because God was going to show me the eternal, life-giving, hope filled power of His light in the darkness. I know there is no coincidence that this baby had a “lighted” bowel – part of me thinks that showed God’s humor to our family, specifically, and a little nudge to show His attention to details and that He’s known what He’s doing all along. And I know there is no coincidence that the name we were “set” on while thinking of names after having Olivia actually means “light”! And there is no coincidence God sent me to this scripture for our sweet, little “Lenny Li” in Matthew after our appointment on Friday.

Matthew 5:14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

So, whatever your story- may you live in the light and give glory to our Father in heaven.

Comfortable

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“Lead me and guide me in the way I should go.  For to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. May your gracious spirit lead me on firm footing” (Psalm 143:8-10)

I was reminded today of this prayer I always prayed while I was in college and while teaching.  It was easy then for me to be driven to pray while I felt “life”- as I wanted- hadn’t happened yet.  I was wanting a good, God-ordained job and a husband.  I needed God to ordain my steps, to lead me in big life choices and goals.  I needed His guidance and divine appointments for what He had in store for me.

Today, as I was praying this prayer came out and I was reminded how, now, I don’t say it as much as I used to… and I was reminded why.  I had a God ordained job-teaching… then I met the man God had for me… I, now, have a house… a car… a daughter… I don’t teach anymore- well, not for money at least…  I might be too comfortable in what my goals were instead of embracing the everyday leading and guiding God has for me in my routine life I had once prayed so hard for.  God convicted me in this after reading Joshua 9 last night.  God’s people were deceived because “they did not ask counsel from the Lord” (vs.14).  They thought a decision was a no brainer and responded out of their own instinct instead of seeking God in it.  This made me think of how often I just act out of my own comfort zone and routine instead of seeking God’s counsel in what might seem like common sense or mundane tasks.  I was convicted of my influence as a mom, a wife, a friend, and even a stranger.  How often do I miss an opportunity to love, guide, share encouraging, life giving words because my eyes aren’t open to see them and my heart is not prepared to share.  This seemed easier when I had “big” tasks in my job and “big” goals for my life.

I’m thankful the Holy Spirit brought this prayer back to me to remind me of the importance of “small beginnings”.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

Raising a child is full of everyday “small beginnings” I often don’t see, but when I really think about it every moment adds up to a childhood, a teenager, an upbringing… and *BOM BOM BOM*... an ADULT! yikes! When I think of it that way that is HUGE.  I have everyday choices in how to react when I’m tired and she’s kind of driving me crazy… I have everyday opportunities to point her to Jesus.  How I raise her will affect how she acts when she’s in 1st Grade and is upset about not getting her way… because temper tantrums are not okay for her to do when she’s 6, and believe me I’ve had my fair share of dealing with them at that age… Taking toys out of someone else’s hand is not okay when you’re 6… because you might get knocked out from a child who didn’t learn the temper tantrum rule… Talking about farting at the table…(although funny)… won’t be cute when you’re a 20 year old going on your first date (because you can’t date until then… just kidding… maybe…).  I have a heavy responsibility in raising her not on my own instincts, but by “seeking counsel from God”.  I need his help and his guidance to not overreact and at the same time, not be passive.  I need his help to be intentional and take this “job” with the heavy weight that it carries all the while knowing I don’t have to carry it alone.  (Matthew 11:30).  So, I ask myself how do I do this? I mean people may not think so – but being a stay at home mom doesn’t have very many lulls (which is why it’s taken me so long to sit down and write again).  The answer to my own question is I have to be intentional about prayer.  While I’m scrubbing toilets, making dinner, listening to the “Moana song” for the 1,000 time in the car, walking to the kitchen in my frustration to grab a wooden spoon (yes, I give “pow pows”), running to squeeze in a bathroom break while she’s not looking (even though she always finds me)… I have opportunities to pray.  That is when I should seek his counsel, ask the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me in the way I should go.

This not only is applicable to raising Olivia… and Baby Girl #2 when she comes.. but also when being around my family, friends, and most importantly … my husband.

Ernie is my best friend. He’s the person I am most comfortable with.  He completely spoils me and honestly when he’s home I’m the most chill because he leads our home so well.  He takes over on those days he knows I’m “done”.  He feeds me … that might sound silly but in the last 15 weeks that has NOT been an easy task!! (And yes, I cook… now… so don’t judge).  He literally does not stop serving.  God leading me and guiding me when it comes to him is probably the most convicting, if I’m being completely honest, because he makes me the most comfortable.  I desperately need to be more intentional in asking God to lead me and guide me in ways to serve, encourage, and love him.. because God gave me the amazing gift of being his help-mate and that is not something I should take lightly or get too comfortable with.  He bears the weight of spiritually, financially, and emotionally leading our family.  And let’s face it- God gave him 3 girls to lead… that’s a lot of extra finances & emotions.  Sooo, I need to be more intentional in seeking counsel in prayer throughout the day to encourage him and love him well, whether he’s at work or at home- because that is a huge responsibility God has given me that I shouldn’t take lightly no matter how “comfortable” I get.

And just like that- nap time is over! So, today, I hope as I share my own convictions- someone out there can relate and is encouraged to live intentionally and ask for God’s counsel in “everyday” life whether your season in life is really difficult or you’re currently in your comfort zone… I think we all find ourselves forgetting where our help comes from.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!” Psalm 121:2

Something New

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PenateBabyFrancisco-3.jpg

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3

“Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters… Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:16-19

As you may have guessed from the picture, we have exciting news in the Penate House, but I felt I needed to share more than just the “announcement” because in all things it is important that God be glorified and receive the credit for what He does behind the scenes of a beautiful picture.

Today I was reminded of the verse “Behold I am doing a new thing.” In the last 6 to 8 weeks I have been so carefully reminded that there is so much God does behind the scenes that we don’t see or recognize right away but that doesn’t change the fact that He is constantly working… working for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

About the end of December Livi came running to me and gave me a picture she had “colored”, as usual I thanked her and told her how beautiful it was and set it down not really thinking. Then as I picked it up… let’s face it… about to throw it away… I noticed what it said. It was a torn out coloring page from her Olivia coloring book on one side it said “Oh, no! It’s starting to rain.” And on the other side it said, “Yay! The rain is all gone. Look at the beautiful rainbow!”

I stopped in my tracks, eyes glistened, and thought for a split second “is this sign?” I had no “feeling” that this would be the month and to be quite honest I didn’t feel ready for it to be. I brushed it off and folded it and put it away, just in case.PenateBabyFrancisco-6.jpg

Several weeks passed and again God was proving to be at work behind the scenes and working on my fears and need for control. Before getting a positive pregnancy test, I took 3 tests, 2 different brands that were DEFECTIVE… are you kidding me? I literally wondered if God was just up there chuckling. Then the fourth pregnancy test came up negative. I was very confused and frustrated and I tried to brush it off. Obviously later I found out I was, in fact, pregnant.   I know now God wasn’t teasing me. He was calling me to trust Him, to trust him in what I couldn’t see and know that He sees all things and that is all that matters. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

The weeks that followed God continued to show His grace and hand in everything. For those that have experienced pregnancy after a miscarriage, you know how easy it is to be overcome by fear and guilt. I have struggled with experiencing the “excitement” that comes with being pregnant because of the fear. That also results in guilt for the baby I am carrying now. I was pregnant with one while supposed to be pregnant with the other. I don’t know how else to put it or describe it except that -that in itself is a struggle. After my 8 week appointment I scheduled my next appointment without even thinking. Later on I realized what day I had scheduled my appointment… Again, God working behind the scenes and strategically working out my days for my good and for His glory. My 11 week appointment came on the due date of the baby we lost. I listened to the sweet heartbeat and couldn’t help but think and remember the heartbeat we had lost. It was the definition of bittersweet. I got to see the baby kick and move and I came to the conclusion every appointment with this baby would result with tears of joy and thankfulness.

There is so much I can look back on in my life and see how God was at work – but I couldn’t see it in the moment. I’m so thankful that God is a God who “makes a path in the mighty waters”, who provides a “river in the desert”, who is always at work “doing a new thing”. He is so gracious to continue to be at work even when we don’t recognize it or completely trust Him in it.

I write this to encourage you.   I know I’m not the only one who struggles with fear of the unknown. Whether you are battling infertility, anxiety, brokenness in your home, out of a job, questions on what to do next or where to go… God is working in what you cannot see. He sees the big picture. He is ordaining your steps and calling you closer to Him in it all. I know how hard it is just to pray and trust God to work but that’s what we’re all called to do, to live a life of faith in what we can’t see knowing God is constantly at work for our good and for His Glory.

So, after saying all of this, I set aside my fears and announce…

Baby Girl Penate due September 7, 2017.

To God be the Glory!PenateBabyFrancisco-5.jpgPenateBabyFrancisco-4.jpg

Just Mom

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There are many memories of my mom growing up that stuck.

– My mom always played music in our living room- Amy Grant, Hosanna, Michael Card, all that 80s-90s Christian music.
– I remember sitting on the couch looking out the window next to my mom as she ironed and prayed. When she was stressed she prayed. A lot. I mean … She prayed a lot!
– I remember her trying to spank me…to no avail. … she prayed a lot !
– I remember I always wanted her to wake me up because she did so nicely, “Rise and Shine!” and would carefully open my curtains. I was not… still am not… easy to wake up and my dad would resort to pulling off my covers and trying to physically pull me out of bed… didn’t work.
– I remember her opening all the windows when it was cold-to celebrate the cold weather! I loved that!
– I remember getting spanked with the back of the brush because I would throw a fit as she brushed the “rats nests”‘ out of my hair.
– I remember her laughing at me whenever I threw a fit because I lost a game.
– I remember I threw a lot of fits…. and she prayed a lot…. and laughed a lot.
– I remember going to her to cry when 7th grade just sucked.
– I remember her look of knowing which guy was NOT “the” guy and which guy WAS “the” guy.

So much she knew about me and didn’t know of me. She was always surprised by superpower physical strength that caused her inability to spank me & was never surprised by my outburst of losing a game of candy land.

Olivia is two and a half. She has her good days and not so good days. I stay at home with her and would like to say I know her very well, however there’s always this part of me that feels like I don’t know her at all. It’s more like I’m continually learning her. Before having her, in my mind I thought as her mom I would know her better than anyone, she moved and grew inside of me, she’ll be with me more than anyone else. Everyday since she’s been born I’ve found that to be extremely false. There’s this feeling I get as she sleeps, when I kiss her and stroke her hair a hundred times before I go to bed, that I don’t know her better than anyone – I’m learning her better than anyone. I can’t possibly know what her personality and interests will be when she’s 5, 15, 30, or 70. I don’t know if or when she’ll have her heart broken. I don’t know what she’ll be when she grows up. I have zero control over her destiny. I’m just her mom.
I’m not the fun one. Our days are very routine and predictable. I often wonder what she’ll remember of me.
Becoming her mom has made me want more than ever to sit down with Mary, the mother of Jesus, and pick her brain of the memories she has when Jesus was young. There’s so much we didn’t hear about in the Bible of him growing up.

Sometimes I get overwhelmed of the things I think I should teach Olivia. What I should put her in- because maybe she will become a famous Olympian or the next Bethany Dillon or some genius Doogie Howser. Seriously these are specific things that have crossed my mind. If she is to be an Olympian- I need to put her in gymnastics like … yesterday. If she’s going to be Bethany Dillion – Ernie needs to start teaching her guitar and I should teach her how to read music and I should play music more often. If she’s going to be Doogie Howser I need to read to her all the time, practice letters and numbers with her, use medical terms. I know. Crazy, right? But am I alone? I don’t think so. I think Mary did the same. She knew the amazing gift of Jesus and couldn’t wait for him to show them off. But again, it wasn’t in her control.

Matt Chandler said something that has significantly stuck. “Relax! You are just average.” Ouch? No. God does have a great amazing destiny for our lives but that great amazing destiny isn’t always in the public eye, it’s where you are, where God has you at this very moment. And I do have a huge responsibility as a mom, but the chances of her being famous are about one in a million and what control do I have over that? zero.

When I really dig down deep and think about who I would want Olivia to be- her being famous is frivolous & ridiculous. When I pray over her I don’t pray for her to be smart and talented, I pray for her to be a good friend, to love others well, to love and serve Jesus, to gain wisdom through his word. Once again, these are not things I can control, but as her mom they’re things I can direct her in. Mary had a responsibility as Jesus’ mom to be obedient to what God called her to do (Matthew 1:21).

Whether I just have Olivia or God gives us 20 more kids, whether I stay at home or go back to work, whatever I do -my responsibility to God and to my family is to surrender my life plan as Mary surrendered, to be obedient in where God has me as Mary was obedient, to love and serve well, and to trust him with the rest.

… and to pray… a lot!

Beautiful Pain

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Have you ever watched one of your favorite movies and tears just came down your face?  This might sound silly but I can sit and watch “While You Were Sleeping” and just cry, not because it’s a sad movie but because it’s one I always come back to. It’s been my favorite movie for as long as I can remember. It has been my go to for a smile or for a tear. In some strange way I find so much beauty in that movie because it’s been a constant. I watched it when I went through lonely, single nights. I watched it surrounded by friends and family just having a good time. I watched it the night I went into labor with Olivia. I watched it after my miscarriage. It is my go-to and I find beauty in a sweet, funny movie.

This summer has been quite painful in many ways. Sadness in death, sadness in what could’ve been. Fear of what lies ahead. Fear of what might be. In some ways this sadness and fear has been personal; in some ways it has been from what I hear or see. I ache and hurt for those around me that ache and hurt.

In sadness and pain I have simultaneously felt moments of sheer beauty- which can only be attributed to a gift from God.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬ ‭

I have been reminded repeatedly of moments of great pain that were actually moments of pure beauty hand crafted by my forever constant.

I’m reminded of an answered prayer that caused me to uproot myself from my hometown and brought me to where I am today.

I’m reminded of relationships that hurt deeply, but were designed to show God’s glory and grace in my husband.

I’m reminded of the searing pain of childbirth and while tears rolled down my face, my husband prayed with me & read Psalms to me. In unforgettable moments of agonizing pain there was beauty.

I’m reminded of the peace and beauty that washed over me in the midst of great despair while losing a child through miscarriage.

I’m reminded of how many times God uses moments of pain to bring about his beauty through his purposes and glory.

After losing her husband and sons, Naomi traveled back to her homeland where God brought about His glory and redemption through a great love story.

Job lost everything he had and God blessed him beyond measure.

Mary and Martha were in deep despair as they mourned the loss of their brother, but Jesus raised him to life.

As I think of the many people I know going through dark clouds of loss, I pray that you not forget what God has done. If you have, go back and read his word and stories of his goodness, go back and think of your life up until this point. Think of the moments that God carried you, sustained you for his purposes. You are never forgotten. You are always loved by the one who knows everything, who sees what you haven’t.  HE will always be your constant.

I pray that you be washed by the joy and peace that can only come by God, our Father. I pray that in the midst of pain and sadness you find moments of beauty in light of eternity. I pray that God opens your eyes and your heart to see the beauty He alone can give in the midst.

In the silence

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To say that I am hesitant to write this would be quite an understatement. Whether I will actually share my words is debatable, but I am not good with speaking aloud, so I write.

One of my defining journeys on this earth began back in February when God was speaking clear as day to me on something He was calling me to do and I wrestled with Him about it. During that entire month God had me in a call to surrender and obedience. Selfishly, I wasn’t ready for this surrender, because I knew what it would mean… Up all night vomiting, all day hanging over the toilet with a two year old, possible itchy rash from head to toe, another bout of weight gain, and no sleep for a very long time, at least that’s how it was when I was pregnant with Olivia. I anticipated and dreaded going through it again so soon. Ernie and I had a plan to start trying to get pregnant in August not February or March.  I, selfishly, needed more time. But God consistently convicted me to surrender and to obey and so I did.
The last week I had on the pill, Ernie was out of town and I took that time to get alone with God and open His word and stay in His presence. There are times when I am silent, God will clearly tell me where to go in His word, on this night it was Matthew 27. I read all the way through wondering what God was trying to tell me and then –BAM –
Matthew 27:46 “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”
Might seem like a random scripture to have come alive when you’re seeking God about having a baby… but I welled up with tears that night knowing – Eli – his name would be Eli. I would surrender my will to God, just as Jesus did. Little, no … not just little, I had no idea this is how it would end up. Eli was not a call to surrender and obedience in a long, hard pregnancy and in having a newborn to keep me up all night… instead, it would be a call to surrender to endure pain and heartache. It would be a call to surrender in the path of obedience with suffering, just as Jesus did.

“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered.”  Hebrews 5:7-8

Looking back now, it makes a lot of sense why he led me to Matthew 27:46. Jesus suffered in the path of obedience and this was my call, as well. For someone who likes to see the foreshadowing in movies… you’d think I would’ve caught this.

One of the questions I am thankful to not yet ask is “Why?”. (Well, not yet, at least.) I am thankful God made it clear and I am thankful that the years I have spent in prayer, worship, and in His word helped me in the most heartbreaking silence I have ever had to experience.

There are many different stories of miscarriage and they are all heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and terrible.

For us, I was supposed to be almost 8 weeks when we first went to the doctor. I voiced my concerns- one of which- miraculously having no symptoms- not one bit of sickness! (Thinking… maybe that was a reward for my obedience…?) In the back of my mind it actually concerned me quite a bit. My doctor said it could be concern or it could be fine- he did the ultrasound and told me I actually measured at 6.5 weeks and congratulations on having a normal pregnancy with no sickness, and then we heard the most amazing sound every parent dreams of- the heartbeat. It was calm and soft but it was a consistent, strong heartbeat. I laid on the table and Thanked God out loud. I got up and the doctor told me I wasn’t out of the woods, there’s always a 25% chance. I knew this and took it to heart to pray. Several weeks later I continued to have some concerns and worries about this pregnancy, so we went to see the doctor again.
As I laid down and he did the ultrasound, the silence was unnerving. I laid there and prayed. I watched the nurse’s and doctor’s faces… waiting. Then he told me what the baby measured … long pause… “and I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat. I’m so sorry.” My heart dropped and in my head I immediately kept saying “God is still good. God is still good.” Over and over. He asked if I wanted to see and that picture of the little, lifeless nugget will be forever engrained in my mind. I sat up and the tears came rushing… it’s been hard for them to stop since.

In the midst of grief and terrible pain there was simultaneously great peace and thankfulness. I had been studying a lot on suffering after the passing of my 24 year old cousin, Jay. Who knew -that- and the prayers of many of our friends and family would give me that peace I needed in the moments to come.

I immediately had peace in the thought, “Jay has a baby to look after and play with in heaven.”

I had peace in the thought that God promises to work everything for good.  (Romans 8:28)

Then – thankfulness – thankfulness for my doctor. I couldn’t have a better doctor. Someone who sees this so often, yet still one of the most empathetic people I have been around since experiencing this. His heart seemed to hurt right with us. Knowing the statistics and seeing this so often didn’t callus his heart to our pain. He was a gift from God to us. The morning of the D&C I told him, “I sure hope you get to go on a healthy delivery today” and he said in a sad voice, “I see the best and I see the worst.” I haven’t stopped thinking of that phrase. Seeing the worst- for us, a lost heartbeat- sure makes you see the joy and the goodness of life of those we are surrounded by.

Thankfulness for friends and family. Food, flowers, and cards surprised us at our door step. Some dropped everything to watch Olivia while we were in the hospital all day. We felt less alone and very loved.

Thankfulness in the joy of a two year old. “Mommy, you ookaaay?” “Momma, psst… I love you.” The seriousness of her lip-singing let us break out in laughter when we needed it most. The silliness and joy and sweetness of just- her being her- has brought so much life and love and thankfulness. My eyes have been opened to what a precious, miraculous gift she is! Every life is a miracle. Every life is a gift. Every life is a story of grace in the plan God has – whether it ends at 9 weeks in utero or 95 years old. Life is for a plan and for God’s glory.

Overwhelming thankfulness, primarily, for my husband. God knew I would need him. Not only has he consistently prayed with me and been there for me. We cried as one, felt the pain as one. This journey was not just mine, it was ours. WE have seen God’s hand in this far before finding out this devastating news.
We have been studying Exodus and literally every lesson we learned out of it has come back loud and clear in these moments.
“Moses couldn’t see what God was doing or what he was going to do… all he could see was what was happening right then, but God saw the big picture and carried Moses through and led Him.”
“God is gracious and so loving even with someone who consistently doubts and questions Him.”
Just before finding this out, we had been praying for the baby’s health, and Ernie prayed “God no matter what, you are the most important person on earth. Everything and everyone is for you.” That prayer carried me the days to follow and continues to. No matter what, everything is for God and His glory, even pain and sadness in the path of obedience. We are able to be a testament of God’s love, peace, grace, and presence in the midst of sadness not for our sake, but for the Glory and purposes of God.

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen.” Romans 11:36

And lastly, thankfulness for eternity. I know I will see baby “Eli” again one day. I don’t know for sure if it was a boy or girl, but I do know for sure “he” was alive and still is.

Some might think I’m a crazy lady who watched too much sci-fi growing up, but I will never forget the dreaming sounds I heard right before I woke up from my D&C in that cold, quiet hospital room. I heard the most joyous, loud laughter of a little child running and playing- sounding a lot like Livi- but I’m not quite sure it was. It was so loud and contagious it literally woke me up with a smile. I sincerely believe that was God’s gift of hope to me. Our child is so happy, well taken care of, and well loved for all eternity.

I realize that this story I share is not one people share. It is not one people talk about- unless they know you’ve been there too. However, it is one that is painfully common and has happened to many people around you – you just don’t know. The fact that it is so common does not make it any less painful and doesn’t mean you grieve any less. It is in the silence that many grieve. I see why now. It can be a very lonely experience. I share it in spite of the loneliness and because there must be some purpose in the pain.

The Power of a Good Cry

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“I sought the Lord, and he answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him! Oh, fear the Lord, you his saints, for those who fear him have no lack! The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Come, O children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord.

The eyes of the Lord are toward the righteous and his ears toward their cry.”
‭‭Psalms‬ ‭34:4-11, 15

I think something that’s hard to explain to a man is a woman’s need for a good cry. When you haven’t had a good cry in a while you may find yourself crying for no apparent reason. Or if you’ve been holding your cry in for a long time trying to be strong, eventually it comes out more powerful than ever.  I know I can’t be alone in this one…. Right??

There has been so much sadness, darkness, and turmoil lately I have had to seriously limit my Facebook time and find my go-to to be Instagram to see happy pictures of people’s travels, food, babies, puppies- some sense of happy. I want to escape the reality of the times we live in. I just can’t handle it. Then in my own life with situations that hit close to home I have opened my eyes to the choice I have- get on Instagram or Pinterest to forget the troubles that come or to turn to the Author and Finisher of my Faith. I have been sitting here and thinking about the power of a good cry. The moments I have chosen to cry out to God -to really seek Him- His word & His presence- to lift my hands in surrender and cry out to Him. There is so much power in that. God truly speaks to me. He comforts me. He gives me peace that surpasses my understanding.
If you haven’t experienced it, I encourage you strongly to turn off everything, open your Bible, surrender to His presence. CRY out to Him. Whatever it maybe that you need to let go of – do it. You will be amazed at the power of that moment – healing, peace, joy, forgiveness, an overwhelming love, and did I mention peace ?
I wonder what we could change, what we could accomplish if instead of turning to social media to lift up our cry to -instead we turned to Jesus. If instead we took the cries of our hearts, our burdens, our fears and lifted them up in a cry to The One who holds all things. What a powerful peace that would bring us all.

Because from the beginning and in the end- God is the only one that really matters.  He never leaves us or forsakes us and His ears are always inclined to our cries.

What to Understand … When you Don’t Understand.

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imageIf there is one thing that we can all agree on in a time when not a lot of people agree on much of anything… it is this… cancer sucks.

There are things in life none of us understand.  Car accidents. Miscarriage. Infertility. Sickness. Diseases. Cancer.   And when these things hit close to home it leaves us with gut wrenching mourning.

This weekend, it did hit close to home.  My family lost a first born son, step-son, brother, nephew, cousin, grandson to the one thing we all agree on its awfulness- cancer.   He was too young and had too much life ahead of him.  And none of us understand.

So in this time of confusion, mourning, and grief-I stand by the things I do understand. Here are a few.

Our Understanding Is Limited.

There are many instances in the Bible where God points out our limited understanding.  He knows and has patience with the fact that we can’t see what He sees and we don’t know what He knows.  Which is why He calls us to trust in Him and receive His peace.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.  His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:7

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

In the old testament Moses continually questioned God.  God would give him instruction and Moses would back talk… “But God.”   God was patient with him and led him step by step regardless of his limited understanding and his inability to see His plan.  He continually responded to Moses reminding Him WHO HE IS.  “I AM the Lord.” (Exodus 6:2) That is a hard concept to wrap our heads around when our vision is clouded by confusion and grief.  It is also a freeing one when you are able to grasp that God is OUR God and He sees everything through perfect clear sight- one that views eternity.  I feel like if God came right out and spoke to me as clearly as he spoke to Moses I would trust and believe easily.  This is proof of God’s patience and unfailing love towards us.  He promises to walk with us despite the little we see and our limited understanding.  He wants us to walk with Him and to trust Him to see us through for the glory of His name and for the saving of others. (Genesis 50:20)  As difficult as it will be, He wants to walk with us because He knows it is the only way we will get through victoriously.

Mourning is All Over the Bible

Since Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden death was made real.  God does not promise that there won’t be grief and sadness in this life on earth.  There is a time to mourn. (Ecclesiastes 3:2-4).  If you do a search for the word “mourn” in the Bible, countless scriptures come up.  However, while all these people of faith mourned and questioned God, they had one thing in common- they continued to cry out TO GOD.  Their belief of WHO He is didn’t waver even though it was so hard for them to understand- in it all they continually cried out TO God.  And we can know for sure he hears us when we cry out to Him and He promises to be close to us.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those whose spirits are crushed.”  Psalm 34:18

“From the end of the earth I call to you when my heart is faint.  Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:2

“Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens.”  Psalm 68:19

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you;” Isaiah 66:13

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matthew 5:4 ”

“For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too.” 2 Corinthians 1:5

“Now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, and God our Father, who loved us and gave us eternal comfort and good hope through grace, comfort your hearts and establish them in every good work and word.” 2 Thessalonians 2:16,17

He doesn’t promise terrible things won’t happen but He promises to be there with you, to love you unconditionally, and to help you know He is with you and He has a plan even though your view is limited.  He sees everything in the light of eternity.

Death has no hold on us.  Jesus defeated death and with Him, He will help us see things in the light of his eternal purpose.

“He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.” Revelation 21:4

That scripture gives me so much hope.  There is so much more we have promised to us, more to see, more to hope in.  We will see our loved ones again one day.

Cling to Those Around You

In the mean time, day to day, moment to moment, God has given us family, brothers and sisters in Christ to help us.

“Mourn with those who mourn.” (Romans 12:15)

God has called the church to help each other in times of need.  In Old Testament and New, God’s people mourned together.

“All Israel mourned for Aaron.” Numbers 20:29

“Bear one another’s burdens.” Galatians 6:2

You might feel alone and isolated, but others are mourning with you, praying for you, broken hearted with and for you, hoping for you.  Even if they don’t know how to express it.  You DO have people around you who love you and are there for you.

You Can Keep Going

God will give you the strength to continue to carry out what God has called you to in the midst of your mourning and grief.  Stay faithful to His cause.

“Devout men buried Stephen and made great lamentation over him…. Now those who were scattered went about preaching the word… So there was much joy in that city.”     Acts 8:1-8

Christians were grieving the death of their friend, their brother- Stephen- but they kept on going.  They continued the work Stephen was doing and they kept their focus on God’s work and eternity.  I can only imagine how hard that must have been, to be overwhelmed with grief but having to keep on.  This doesn’t mean drown yourself in work and try to forget about your loss.  (Wounds left festering will lead to even more hurt and pain.  Let God walk with you.)  My hope for you is that you would have a more focused perspective and meaning in what you do and how you do it.  You can love and care for others not in your own strength, but in God given, divine strength of God Almighty.

“The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is upon me, for the LORD has anointed me to bring good news to the poor.  He has sent me to comfort the brokenhearted and to proclaim that captives will be released and prisoners will be freed.  He has sent me to tell those who mourn that the time of the LORD’s favor has come, and with it, the day of God’s anger against their enemies.  To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.  In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.  They will rebuild the ancient ruins, repairing cities destroyed long ago.  They will revive them, though they have been deserted for many generations.”  Isaiah 61:1-4

Faith is a Walk

There is no magic in God. He’s not a magician that will magically make your pain go away and make everything suddenly easy.  He is God. I AM.

His plan is for us to “walk by faith and not by sight”. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

His plan is for us to walk with him and he will help, comfort, and direct us each day, each step.

It is a walk and a process. And He is with you always.

“He will never leave or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6, Hebrews 13:5

So today and always we will remember those we have lost here on earth. There will be sadness, grief, and mourning- but we never, ever walk alone. And we cling to the hope and the confidence that we will see them again.

With a heavy heart I write-

Jay Burger, you will be forever missed, forever loved, and never forgotten.

To my expectant sister…

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My disclaimer is this… I only have one child and have only been pregnant once. I do NOT know it all or have a wealth of knowledge. That being said, there’s a lot I learned in the last two years since having my baby girl… Here are a couple of those things. Take it or leave it.

Do not believe everything you read or hear.

… Including from me!! Just because “it” – whatever “it” may be- happened to someone else doesn’t mean it will happen to you! Every pregnancy, birth, and baby is SO different, because WE are all so different.   God is in the business of growing us & wants us to draw closer to Him and those experiences are unique for each person.

… Stay off the internet. For goodness sakes- please! I wasted countless hours reading articles on how to get my baby on a sleep/feeding schedule.   Livi failed miserably at Baby Wise. I’ve babysat since I was 11, but I am not Baby Wise! Olivia was not having a schedule for what seemed like a very long time and definitely wasn’t sleeping through the night and if I would’ve just accepted that and not compared her to every baby I read about on the internet I would’ve been so much happier!   There, of course, are some basics tips to know and some things are helpful but don’t obsess over it. Try what you want and if it doesn’t work, move on.

… Reread the first paragraph… Just because my baby didn’t do well doesn’t mean you will have the same experience. Find a rhythm that works for you and your baby. Figure out your groove and what you can handle.

Babies are SUPPOSED to change you and your life.

The best thing I ever heard after having Livi is something I wished I would’ve heard much earlier. “God gives us children to change us. It’s not about them adapting to fit into our life, but about us putting our selfishness aside and changing. Children are supposed to change your life.”

This put my need to control into perspective. It’s not supposed to be easy… a baby changes everything… because it’s supposed to. That’s God’s plan.

Get mom friends.

When your husband goes back to work and the guests leave and you’re on your own it can get lonely. You NEED community. You NEED other moms to talk to. Will they always say the right thing? No. But, you need them and they need you.   There’s a reason they say “it takes a village to raise a child”. You need someone to relate to and talk to when you haven’t showered all day, you feel a mess, but someone else texts you to say something like, “So I was rushing to put on makeup before my baby woke up and instead of putting on powder I put on blush. #momlife ” Or “Just ran errands and realized I had spit up all down my shirt. I thought they were checking out my awesome boobs.” or “I haven’t washed my hair in 4 days. What day are you on?” … There’s an instant smile for you and instant way to make you feel like you’re not alone.

Savor the sweet, little moments.

It goes by really fast. It might not seem like it, but it does. Keep your phone handy and buy extra storage to catch those sweet moments. You’re going to want to see them when they’re older.

Bedtime routine has always been extra special for us. That routine is the best snuggle time we get all day. Books, songs, and snuggles – you can’t beat it!

Don’t make yourself miserable trying to lose weight.

It will happen and you will get there but take time to enjoy your baby not obsess over getting your pre-baby body back. It will-sort of- happen with time and dedication but don’t make yourself miserable.

I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in right now- post baby- but my body is definitely not the best it’s ever looked. It is what it is. Stressing over it just makes you and those around you miserable. Be wise, but enjoy a burger and a brownie every now and then.

“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he has done.” Phil. 4:6

Pregnancy, birth, and baby will drive you to pray! And it should!! Again, this is supposed to bring you closer to God and closer to your husband. Pray and GIVE THANKS. What a miracle life is and we have so much to be thankful for.

There is a difference between fear and intuition.

When I really think about it, the moments that God spoke to me for protection for Olivia or gave me revelation about something concerning her or my marriage- was always in a “still small voice”.   Fear, on the other hand, is very loud and obnoxious like a clanging cymbal. Fear stirs me up into frenzy and gives me anxiety not peace. That mother’s intuition that God gives us is His Holy Spirit. When you listen to that still small voice it will properly, peacefully lead you, whereas the fruit of fear is frenzy, anxiety, and restlessness. Fear does not properly lead you.

Get Out!

Take advantage of helping hands. People WANT to hold and snuggle that sweet baby! Take advantage of that! Go take a nap!! Go take a shower!! Go for a drive and get some Starbucks!! Do something that gives you a break.   You really and truly need it.

Trust me, I understand that “mom guilt” you feel and the urgency to get back to your baby. However, I also know the feeling of coming back to that baby after getting a break. It’s like you’re a different person. A person who is just happier and ready for what you gotta do next! You will know what I mean when you take this advice. Trust me.

There’s also a difference between guilt and love. Feeling guilty for taking a break doesn’t mean you love your baby more. If anything coming back to your baby after feeling refreshed makes you a better and happier mom and your baby (AND HUSBAND!!!) can definitely sense and appreciate it.

Well there ya go… There’s a little unsolicited advice for you… You can take it or leave it.

Just enjoy this time!!! It is truly GOD GIVEN! Keep that mindset! You’re gonna do GREAT!