Category: Hello Kids

It is no secret that this time last year I was pregnant and had heard its little heartbeat, however, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. This time last year my cousin was also battling in his last days with cancer. Last summer was challenging to say the least. I strongly believe in the truth that once life begins and a little heart starts beating-life is life forever- and death, although seeming like an ending, does not end there- life is life, but death is not death forever thanks to Jesus Christ. Life continues somewhere.

“ …but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Philippians 1:20-26

There are a lot of memories that stand out from that summer and one in particular was us listening over and over to Otis Redding’s “This Little Light of Mine.” Livi would dance to it and we would joyfully get it stuck in our heads (because Otis Redding is the best of course!). A year later I see that there was no coincidence in that song choice that summer. Let me explain why…

That summer brought on a lot of sadness, but for me personally it also brought a lot of fear. Fear, specifically, with having another pregnancy. Pregnancy in general is scary no matter what… even if you have a completely healthy, easy pregnancy- Google has made pregnancy scary for us all. If you have had infertility, miscarriages, or complications with pregnancies it’s much scarier.

Needless to say, when I got pregnant this time there were a lot of fears that came and a lot of tears in fear of the unknown.   Those fears were accompanied with a whole lot of puking… which actually helped ease my worries… It’s amazing what God will “gift” you with that though it seems like a burden can actually be a huge blessing and cause for thanksgiving. Every time I went to the doctor and he asked how I was feeling I would say “terrible…” and he would say “good!”, for me, apparently that is good!

These fears constantly drew me to His word… again a blessing and cause for thanksgiving. I was reminded repeatedly how often people in the Bible were scared. And how tenderhearted and compassionate God was towards His people in their fear. He knows we are human and weak, but He knows that when we draw to Him we are made strong and courageous. Joshua is a great example of that… I don’t recall Joshua repeatedly telling God he was a afraid, however God was always quick to remind him NOT to be afraid or dismayed but to know that He was with him.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:8

If you do a search of scriptures saying “do not be afraid” you will be overwhelmed in a good way at how many times angels, Jesus, or God approached people with that phrase because they know of our human, sinful instinct to be afraid (Genesis 3:10). And in that He offers compassion and the truth that in Him we don’t need to be afraid.

David faithfully went to God with his fears, as well, knowing God was the source of peace. Psalms 27 I have gone to about a hundred times in the last several months…

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1

The analogy of light has been a theme for this baby I now carry. As I turn to His word He has continually shown his power – the power of light.

“In him was LIFE, and the life was the LIGHT of men. The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it. “ John 1:4-5

There’s something about darkness that instills fear and something about light that instills faith and hope. When I was young I was never afraid of the dark, however I had horrible nightmares… still do… there was something about nighttime and darkness that brought out fears. When Ernie is out of town I am fine all day, but come nighttime every little sound can cause me to be more alert and wish I had a big dog. In darkness there is fear, but in light there is faith, hope, and trust. Jesus is the LIGHT and walking with Him means walking in LIGHT free from fear!

At the big 20 week ultrasound for this baby I had a strong feeling that they would “find” something, but simultaneously a peace about whatever it was they might find and a strong “knowing” it would be ok. Sure enough, the doctor came in and told us they found an echogenic (“lighted”) bowel, which could be a number of things. Most commonly associated with Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis, but it could be a list of other things -including nothing at all. After meeting with the doctor we had to go in a room and meet with a genetic counselor, go over our family history, et cetera. Thankfully I had already had genetic testing done which showed no sign of Downs or Cystic Fibrosis- of course they always tell you the chances and your options of what to do next. (I hear this is relatively common, so I’m sure some reading would be able to relate). Through the entire appointment I had no fear. I had peace and hope no matter what the outcome. “The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness cannot overcome it.”

Following that appointment we had to go back every four weeks for ultrasounds to monitor the baby’s growth and the echogenic bowel. At 24 weeks it was still there, but she was growing on target. Most recently at 28 weeks we found she is still growing on target and the echogenic bowel was gone! Praise God! I strongly believe that with the first “feeling” that something would be “off” to today- knowing everything is ok- God was using it all to remind me that in my hosts of fears of another pregnancy – “Do not be afraid or dismayed for I am your God. I am with you wherever you go.” God planned to use this to show me “He is my light and my salvation” so what is there to be afraid of?

I know that there are much more scary scenarios that occur during pregnancy (or lack there of) and some turn out being great and some do not. Some results instinctively bring about sadness and fears. Those facts made me very hesitant about writing and sharing because my story might seem small or insignificant, however God’s plan and His word is never small or insignificant. He has a plan and a purpose through every little detail of our lives and that is to bring about joy and His Glory no matter what.

So, I know there is no coincidence in last summer’s repeated song choice of “This Little Light of Mine” because God was going to show me the eternal, life-giving, hope filled power of His light in the darkness. I know there is no coincidence that this baby had a “lighted” bowel – part of me thinks that showed God’s humor to our family, specifically, and a little nudge to show His attention to details and that He’s known what He’s doing all along. And I know there is no coincidence that the name we were “set” on while thinking of names after having Olivia actually means “light”! And there is no coincidence God sent me to this scripture for our sweet, little “Lenny Li” in Matthew after our appointment on Friday.

Matthew 5:14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

So, whatever your story- may you live in the light and give glory to our Father in heaven.

“Lead me and guide me in the way I should go.  For to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. May your gracious spirit lead me on firm footing” (Psalm 143:8-10)

I was reminded today of this prayer I always prayed while I was in college and while teaching.  It was easy then for me to be driven to pray while I felt “life”- as I wanted- hadn’t happened yet.  I was wanting a good, God-ordained job and a husband.  I needed God to ordain my steps, to lead me in big life choices and goals.  I needed His guidance and divine appointments for what He had in store for me.

Today, as I was praying this prayer came out and I was reminded how, now, I don’t say it as much as I used to… and I was reminded why.  I had a God ordained job-teaching… then I met the man God had for me… I, now, have a house… a car… a daughter… I don’t teach anymore- well, not for money at least…  I might be too comfortable in what my goals were instead of embracing the everyday leading and guiding God has for me in my routine life I had once prayed so hard for.  God convicted me in this after reading Joshua 9 last night.  God’s people were deceived because “they did not ask counsel from the Lord” (vs.14).  They thought a decision was a no brainer and responded out of their own instinct instead of seeking God in it.  This made me think of how often I just act out of my own comfort zone and routine instead of seeking God’s counsel in what might seem like common sense or mundane tasks.  I was convicted of my influence as a mom, a wife, a friend, and even a stranger.  How often do I miss an opportunity to love, guide, share encouraging, life giving words because my eyes aren’t open to see them and my heart is not prepared to share.  This seemed easier when I had “big” tasks in my job and “big” goals for my life.

I’m thankful the Holy Spirit brought this prayer back to me to remind me of the importance of “small beginnings”.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

Raising a child is full of everyday “small beginnings” I often don’t see, but when I really think about it every moment adds up to a childhood, a teenager, an upbringing… and *BOM BOM BOM*... an ADULT! yikes! When I think of it that way that is HUGE.  I have everyday choices in how to react when I’m tired and she’s kind of driving me crazy… I have everyday opportunities to point her to Jesus.  How I raise her will affect how she acts when she’s in 1st Grade and is upset about not getting her way… because temper tantrums are not okay for her to do when she’s 6, and believe me I’ve had my fair share of dealing with them at that age… Taking toys out of someone else’s hand is not okay when you’re 6… because you might get knocked out from a child who didn’t learn the temper tantrum rule… Talking about farting at the table…(although funny)… won’t be cute when you’re a 20 year old going on your first date (because you can’t date until then… just kidding… maybe…).  I have a heavy responsibility in raising her not on my own instincts, but by “seeking counsel from God”.  I need his help and his guidance to not overreact and at the same time, not be passive.  I need his help to be intentional and take this “job” with the heavy weight that it carries all the while knowing I don’t have to carry it alone.  (Matthew 11:30).  So, I ask myself how do I do this? I mean people may not think so – but being a stay at home mom doesn’t have very many lulls (which is why it’s taken me so long to sit down and write again).  The answer to my own question is I have to be intentional about prayer.  While I’m scrubbing toilets, making dinner, listening to the “Moana song” for the 1,000 time in the car, walking to the kitchen in my frustration to grab a wooden spoon (yes, I give “pow pows”), running to squeeze in a bathroom break while she’s not looking (even though she always finds me)… I have opportunities to pray.  That is when I should seek his counsel, ask the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me in the way I should go.

This not only is applicable to raising Olivia… and Baby Girl #2 when she comes.. but also when being around my family, friends, and most importantly … my husband.

Ernie is my best friend. He’s the person I am most comfortable with.  He completely spoils me and honestly when he’s home I’m the most chill because he leads our home so well.  He takes over on those days he knows I’m “done”.  He feeds me … that might sound silly but in the last 15 weeks that has NOT been an easy task!! (And yes, I cook… now… so don’t judge).  He literally does not stop serving.  God leading me and guiding me when it comes to him is probably the most convicting, if I’m being completely honest, because he makes me the most comfortable.  I desperately need to be more intentional in asking God to lead me and guide me in ways to serve, encourage, and love him.. because God gave me the amazing gift of being his help-mate and that is not something I should take lightly or get too comfortable with.  He bears the weight of spiritually, financially, and emotionally leading our family.  And let’s face it- God gave him 3 girls to lead… that’s a lot of extra finances & emotions.  Sooo, I need to be more intentional in seeking counsel in prayer throughout the day to encourage him and love him well, whether he’s at work or at home- because that is a huge responsibility God has given me that I shouldn’t take lightly no matter how “comfortable” I get.

And just like that- nap time is over! So, today, I hope as I share my own convictions- someone out there can relate and is encouraged to live intentionally and ask for God’s counsel in “everyday” life whether your season in life is really difficult or you’re currently in your comfort zone… I think we all find ourselves forgetting where our help comes from.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!” Psalm 121:2

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3

“Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters… Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:16-19

As you may have guessed from the picture, we have exciting news in the Penate House, but I felt I needed to share more than just the “announcement” because in all things it is important that God be glorified and receive the credit for what He does behind the scenes of a beautiful picture.

Today I was reminded of the verse “Behold I am doing a new thing.” In the last 6 to 8 weeks I have been so carefully reminded that there is so much God does behind the scenes that we don’t see or recognize right away but that doesn’t change the fact that He is constantly working… working for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

About the end of December Livi came running to me and gave me a picture she had “colored”, as usual I thanked her and told her how beautiful it was and set it down not really thinking. Then as I picked it up… let’s face it… about to throw it away… I noticed what it said. It was a torn out coloring page from her Olivia coloring book on one side it said “Oh, no! It’s starting to rain.” And on the other side it said, “Yay! The rain is all gone. Look at the beautiful rainbow!”

I stopped in my tracks, eyes glistened, and thought for a split second “is this sign?” I had no “feeling” that this would be the month and to be quite honest I didn’t feel ready for it to be. I brushed it off and folded it and put it away, just in case.

Several weeks passed and again God was proving to be at work behind the scenes and working on my fears and need for control. Before getting a positive pregnancy test, I took 3 tests, 2 different brands that were DEFECTIVE… are you kidding me? I literally wondered if God was just up there chuckling. Then the fourth pregnancy test came up negative. I was very confused and frustrated and I tried to brush it off. Obviously later I found out I was, in fact, pregnant.   I know now God wasn’t teasing me. He was calling me to trust Him, to trust him in what I couldn’t see and know that He sees all things and that is all that matters. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

The weeks that followed God continued to show His grace and hand in everything. For those that have experienced pregnancy after a miscarriage, you know how easy it is to be overcome by fear and guilt. I have struggled with experiencing the “excitement” that comes with being pregnant because of the fear. That also results in guilt for the baby I am carrying now. I was pregnant with one while supposed to be pregnant with the other. I don’t know how else to put it or describe it except that -that in itself is a struggle. After my 8 week appointment I scheduled my next appointment without even thinking. Later on I realized what day I had scheduled my appointment… Again, God working behind the scenes and strategically working out my days for my good and for His glory. My 11 week appointment came on the due date of the baby we lost. I listened to the sweet heartbeat and couldn’t help but think and remember the heartbeat we had lost. It was the definition of bittersweet. I got to see the baby kick and move and I came to the conclusion every appointment with this baby would result with tears of joy and thankfulness.

There is so much I can look back on in my life and see how God was at work – but I couldn’t see it in the moment. I’m so thankful that God is a God who “makes a path in the mighty waters”, who provides a “river in the desert”, who is always at work “doing a new thing”. He is so gracious to continue to be at work even when we don’t recognize it or completely trust Him in it.

I write this to encourage you.   I know I’m not the only one who struggles with fear of the unknown. Whether you are battling infertility, anxiety, brokenness in your home, out of a job, questions on what to do next or where to go… God is working in what you cannot see. He sees the big picture. He is ordaining your steps and calling you closer to Him in it all. I know how hard it is just to pray and trust God to work but that’s what we’re all called to do, to live a life of faith in what we can’t see knowing God is constantly at work for our good and for His Glory.

So, after saying all of this, I set aside my fears and announce…

Baby Girl Penate due September 7, 2017.

To God be the Glory!