Category: Hello Life

The Weary World Rejoices

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Growing up, our church’s theme scripture was Isaiah 40:31 “They shall run and not grow weary. They shall walk and not faint.”  However, tied to not being weary or growing faint was following the rules and regulations set by a man. It was all about the conditional love of God, which is not truth or reality.

You see, God sent his son knowing that from the very beginning we are weak and only He is strong. We all would inevitably mess up and need a savior. We would never measure up. God had it all planned from the beginning that he would send a rescuer to draw us all back to himself in his amazing family.

We are inevitably going to grow weary. Weary in our sin. Weary in our work and toil. Weary in others sins towards us. Weary in this sinful world, but if you read the whole chapter of Isaiah (Well, if you read the whole Bible!) it is all about grace. The whole Bible is a theme of man messing up or being hurt or being so called “damaged goods”. The fact is we are all going to grow weak, we are all going to fail and fall and get hurt. BUT back up in Isaiah and you’ll see the promised hope. The hope that is available for all of us who find ourselves weak and weary needing a savior and a friend. The hope of Jesus!

Isaiah 7:14 “ Therefore, the Lord himself will give you a sign. Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel (God with us).”

He promises to be with us. He promises to be there when we call, arms wide open.
Always Loving. Always Faithful. Always there.

There’s nothing we can do to earn this love. It’s done. It’s there for you.
Jesus didn’t come to earth and say, “Here I am, but not for Karrah because she’s too _____. Or no, not you Bob you’re gonna _______. Hold up, Helen, not you either.” No. Jesus came down to earth for all. For you. Knowing your sin, your faults, your weaknesses, knowing you might reject him, knowing you would need him in those darkest moments. He came to bring you, son and daughter, back to your true father- the perfect father who loves you with no conditions and loves you faithfully.

Oh, that we would grasp and receive that love. The love we all sing and celebrate this season. Jesus came to and for you. Just as you are, run to him. Run to the “never stopping, never giving up, always and forever” big, great, amazing love of our savior, Jesus, of our creator, our father, God.

Let us all, the weary ones, rejoice this season and always in this love that not one can truly compare or fathom.

Isaiah 35:3
“Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who have an anxious heart, ‘Be strong, fear not!’ Behold, your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God. He will come and SAVE you.” (That’s Jesus)

This Little Light

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It is no secret that this time last year I was pregnant and had heard its little heartbeat, however, that pregnancy ended in miscarriage. This time last year my cousin was also battling in his last days with cancer. Last summer was challenging to say the least. I strongly believe in the truth that once life begins and a little heart starts beating-life is life forever- and death, although seeming like an ending, does not end there- life is life, but death is not death forever thanks to Jesus Christ. Life continues somewhere.

“ …but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body whether by life or by death. For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account.” Philippians 1:20-26

There are a lot of memories that stand out from that summer and one in particular was us listening over and over to Otis Redding’s “This Little Light of Mine.” Livi would dance to it and we would joyfully get it stuck in our heads (because Otis Redding is the best of course!). A year later I see that there was no coincidence in that song choice that summer. Let me explain why…

That summer brought on a lot of sadness, but for me personally it also brought a lot of fear. Fear, specifically, with having another pregnancy. Pregnancy in general is scary no matter what… even if you have a completely healthy, easy pregnancy- Google has made pregnancy scary for us all. If you have had infertility, miscarriages, or complications with pregnancies it’s much scarier.

Needless to say, when I got pregnant this time there were a lot of fears that came and a lot of tears in fear of the unknown.   Those fears were accompanied with a whole lot of puking… which actually helped ease my worries… It’s amazing what God will “gift” you with that though it seems like a burden can actually be a huge blessing and cause for thanksgiving. Every time I went to the doctor and he asked how I was feeling I would say “terrible…” and he would say “good!”, for me, apparently that is good!

These fears constantly drew me to His word… again a blessing and cause for thanksgiving. I was reminded repeatedly how often people in the Bible were scared. And how tenderhearted and compassionate God was towards His people in their fear. He knows we are human and weak, but He knows that when we draw to Him we are made strong and courageous. Joshua is a great example of that… I don’t recall Joshua repeatedly telling God he was a afraid, however God was always quick to remind him NOT to be afraid or dismayed but to know that He was with him.

“Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:8

If you do a search of scriptures saying “do not be afraid” you will be overwhelmed in a good way at how many times angels, Jesus, or God approached people with that phrase because they know of our human, sinful instinct to be afraid (Genesis 3:10). And in that He offers compassion and the truth that in Him we don’t need to be afraid.

David faithfully went to God with his fears, as well, knowing God was the source of peace. Psalms 27 I have gone to about a hundred times in the last several months…

“The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1

The analogy of light has been a theme for this baby I now carry. As I turn to His word He has continually shown his power – the power of light.

“In him was LIFE, and the life was the LIGHT of men. The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness has not overcome it. “ John 1:4-5

There’s something about darkness that instills fear and something about light that instills faith and hope. When I was young I was never afraid of the dark, however I had horrible nightmares… still do… there was something about nighttime and darkness that brought out fears. When Ernie is out of town I am fine all day, but come nighttime every little sound can cause me to be more alert and wish I had a big dog. In darkness there is fear, but in light there is faith, hope, and trust. Jesus is the LIGHT and walking with Him means walking in LIGHT free from fear!

At the big 20 week ultrasound for this baby I had a strong feeling that they would “find” something, but simultaneously a peace about whatever it was they might find and a strong “knowing” it would be ok. Sure enough, the doctor came in and told us they found an echogenic (“lighted”) bowel, which could be a number of things. Most commonly associated with Downs Syndrome and Cystic Fibrosis, but it could be a list of other things -including nothing at all. After meeting with the doctor we had to go in a room and meet with a genetic counselor, go over our family history, et cetera. Thankfully I had already had genetic testing done which showed no sign of Downs or Cystic Fibrosis- of course they always tell you the chances and your options of what to do next. (I hear this is relatively common, so I’m sure some reading would be able to relate). Through the entire appointment I had no fear. I had peace and hope no matter what the outcome. “The LIGHT shines in the darkness, and darkness cannot overcome it.”

Following that appointment we had to go back every four weeks for ultrasounds to monitor the baby’s growth and the echogenic bowel. At 24 weeks it was still there, but she was growing on target. Most recently at 28 weeks we found she is still growing on target and the echogenic bowel was gone! Praise God! I strongly believe that with the first “feeling” that something would be “off” to today- knowing everything is ok- God was using it all to remind me that in my hosts of fears of another pregnancy – “Do not be afraid or dismayed for I am your God. I am with you wherever you go.” God planned to use this to show me “He is my light and my salvation” so what is there to be afraid of?

I know that there are much more scary scenarios that occur during pregnancy (or lack there of) and some turn out being great and some do not. Some results instinctively bring about sadness and fears. Those facts made me very hesitant about writing and sharing because my story might seem small or insignificant, however God’s plan and His word is never small or insignificant. He has a plan and a purpose through every little detail of our lives and that is to bring about joy and His Glory no matter what.

So, I know there is no coincidence in last summer’s repeated song choice of “This Little Light of Mine” because God was going to show me the eternal, life-giving, hope filled power of His light in the darkness. I know there is no coincidence that this baby had a “lighted” bowel – part of me thinks that showed God’s humor to our family, specifically, and a little nudge to show His attention to details and that He’s known what He’s doing all along. And I know there is no coincidence that the name we were “set” on while thinking of names after having Olivia actually means “light”! And there is no coincidence God sent me to this scripture for our sweet, little “Lenny Li” in Matthew after our appointment on Friday.

Matthew 5:14-16

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.”

So, whatever your story- may you live in the light and give glory to our Father in heaven.

Comfortable

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“Lead me and guide me in the way I should go.  For to you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. May your gracious spirit lead me on firm footing” (Psalm 143:8-10)

I was reminded today of this prayer I always prayed while I was in college and while teaching.  It was easy then for me to be driven to pray while I felt “life”- as I wanted- hadn’t happened yet.  I was wanting a good, God-ordained job and a husband.  I needed God to ordain my steps, to lead me in big life choices and goals.  I needed His guidance and divine appointments for what He had in store for me.

Today, as I was praying this prayer came out and I was reminded how, now, I don’t say it as much as I used to… and I was reminded why.  I had a God ordained job-teaching… then I met the man God had for me… I, now, have a house… a car… a daughter… I don’t teach anymore- well, not for money at least…  I might be too comfortable in what my goals were instead of embracing the everyday leading and guiding God has for me in my routine life I had once prayed so hard for.  God convicted me in this after reading Joshua 9 last night.  God’s people were deceived because “they did not ask counsel from the Lord” (vs.14).  They thought a decision was a no brainer and responded out of their own instinct instead of seeking God in it.  This made me think of how often I just act out of my own comfort zone and routine instead of seeking God’s counsel in what might seem like common sense or mundane tasks.  I was convicted of my influence as a mom, a wife, a friend, and even a stranger.  How often do I miss an opportunity to love, guide, share encouraging, life giving words because my eyes aren’t open to see them and my heart is not prepared to share.  This seemed easier when I had “big” tasks in my job and “big” goals for my life.

I’m thankful the Holy Spirit brought this prayer back to me to remind me of the importance of “small beginnings”.

“Do not despise these small beginnings, for the LORD rejoices to see the work begin…” Zechariah 4:10

Raising a child is full of everyday “small beginnings” I often don’t see, but when I really think about it every moment adds up to a childhood, a teenager, an upbringing… and *BOM BOM BOM*... an ADULT! yikes! When I think of it that way that is HUGE.  I have everyday choices in how to react when I’m tired and she’s kind of driving me crazy… I have everyday opportunities to point her to Jesus.  How I raise her will affect how she acts when she’s in 1st Grade and is upset about not getting her way… because temper tantrums are not okay for her to do when she’s 6, and believe me I’ve had my fair share of dealing with them at that age… Taking toys out of someone else’s hand is not okay when you’re 6… because you might get knocked out from a child who didn’t learn the temper tantrum rule… Talking about farting at the table…(although funny)… won’t be cute when you’re a 20 year old going on your first date (because you can’t date until then… just kidding… maybe…).  I have a heavy responsibility in raising her not on my own instincts, but by “seeking counsel from God”.  I need his help and his guidance to not overreact and at the same time, not be passive.  I need his help to be intentional and take this “job” with the heavy weight that it carries all the while knowing I don’t have to carry it alone.  (Matthew 11:30).  So, I ask myself how do I do this? I mean people may not think so – but being a stay at home mom doesn’t have very many lulls (which is why it’s taken me so long to sit down and write again).  The answer to my own question is I have to be intentional about prayer.  While I’m scrubbing toilets, making dinner, listening to the “Moana song” for the 1,000 time in the car, walking to the kitchen in my frustration to grab a wooden spoon (yes, I give “pow pows”), running to squeeze in a bathroom break while she’s not looking (even though she always finds me)… I have opportunities to pray.  That is when I should seek his counsel, ask the Holy Spirit to lead me and guide me in the way I should go.

This not only is applicable to raising Olivia… and Baby Girl #2 when she comes.. but also when being around my family, friends, and most importantly … my husband.

Ernie is my best friend. He’s the person I am most comfortable with.  He completely spoils me and honestly when he’s home I’m the most chill because he leads our home so well.  He takes over on those days he knows I’m “done”.  He feeds me … that might sound silly but in the last 15 weeks that has NOT been an easy task!! (And yes, I cook… now… so don’t judge).  He literally does not stop serving.  God leading me and guiding me when it comes to him is probably the most convicting, if I’m being completely honest, because he makes me the most comfortable.  I desperately need to be more intentional in asking God to lead me and guide me in ways to serve, encourage, and love him.. because God gave me the amazing gift of being his help-mate and that is not something I should take lightly or get too comfortable with.  He bears the weight of spiritually, financially, and emotionally leading our family.  And let’s face it- God gave him 3 girls to lead… that’s a lot of extra finances & emotions.  Sooo, I need to be more intentional in seeking counsel in prayer throughout the day to encourage him and love him well, whether he’s at work or at home- because that is a huge responsibility God has given me that I shouldn’t take lightly no matter how “comfortable” I get.

And just like that- nap time is over! So, today, I hope as I share my own convictions- someone out there can relate and is encouraged to live intentionally and ask for God’s counsel in “everyday” life whether your season in life is really difficult or you’re currently in your comfort zone… I think we all find ourselves forgetting where our help comes from.

“My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!” Psalm 121:2

Something New

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PenateBabyFrancisco-3.jpg

“But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” Isaiah 43:1-3

“Thus says the Lord, who makes a way in the sea, a path in the mighty waters… Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” Isaiah 43:16-19

As you may have guessed from the picture, we have exciting news in the Penate House, but I felt I needed to share more than just the “announcement” because in all things it is important that God be glorified and receive the credit for what He does behind the scenes of a beautiful picture.

Today I was reminded of the verse “Behold I am doing a new thing.” In the last 6 to 8 weeks I have been so carefully reminded that there is so much God does behind the scenes that we don’t see or recognize right away but that doesn’t change the fact that He is constantly working… working for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28)

About the end of December Livi came running to me and gave me a picture she had “colored”, as usual I thanked her and told her how beautiful it was and set it down not really thinking. Then as I picked it up… let’s face it… about to throw it away… I noticed what it said. It was a torn out coloring page from her Olivia coloring book on one side it said “Oh, no! It’s starting to rain.” And on the other side it said, “Yay! The rain is all gone. Look at the beautiful rainbow!”

I stopped in my tracks, eyes glistened, and thought for a split second “is this sign?” I had no “feeling” that this would be the month and to be quite honest I didn’t feel ready for it to be. I brushed it off and folded it and put it away, just in case.PenateBabyFrancisco-6.jpg

Several weeks passed and again God was proving to be at work behind the scenes and working on my fears and need for control. Before getting a positive pregnancy test, I took 3 tests, 2 different brands that were DEFECTIVE… are you kidding me? I literally wondered if God was just up there chuckling. Then the fourth pregnancy test came up negative. I was very confused and frustrated and I tried to brush it off. Obviously later I found out I was, in fact, pregnant.   I know now God wasn’t teasing me. He was calling me to trust Him, to trust him in what I couldn’t see and know that He sees all things and that is all that matters. (2 Corinthians 5:7)

The weeks that followed God continued to show His grace and hand in everything. For those that have experienced pregnancy after a miscarriage, you know how easy it is to be overcome by fear and guilt. I have struggled with experiencing the “excitement” that comes with being pregnant because of the fear. That also results in guilt for the baby I am carrying now. I was pregnant with one while supposed to be pregnant with the other. I don’t know how else to put it or describe it except that -that in itself is a struggle. After my 8 week appointment I scheduled my next appointment without even thinking. Later on I realized what day I had scheduled my appointment… Again, God working behind the scenes and strategically working out my days for my good and for His glory. My 11 week appointment came on the due date of the baby we lost. I listened to the sweet heartbeat and couldn’t help but think and remember the heartbeat we had lost. It was the definition of bittersweet. I got to see the baby kick and move and I came to the conclusion every appointment with this baby would result with tears of joy and thankfulness.

There is so much I can look back on in my life and see how God was at work – but I couldn’t see it in the moment. I’m so thankful that God is a God who “makes a path in the mighty waters”, who provides a “river in the desert”, who is always at work “doing a new thing”. He is so gracious to continue to be at work even when we don’t recognize it or completely trust Him in it.

I write this to encourage you.   I know I’m not the only one who struggles with fear of the unknown. Whether you are battling infertility, anxiety, brokenness in your home, out of a job, questions on what to do next or where to go… God is working in what you cannot see. He sees the big picture. He is ordaining your steps and calling you closer to Him in it all. I know how hard it is just to pray and trust God to work but that’s what we’re all called to do, to live a life of faith in what we can’t see knowing God is constantly at work for our good and for His Glory.

So, after saying all of this, I set aside my fears and announce…

Baby Girl Penate due September 7, 2017.

To God be the Glory!PenateBabyFrancisco-5.jpgPenateBabyFrancisco-4.jpg

Beautiful Pain

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Have you ever watched one of your favorite movies and tears just came down your face?  This might sound silly but I can sit and watch “While You Were Sleeping” and just cry, not because it’s a sad movie but because it’s one I always come back to. It’s been my favorite movie for as long as I can remember. It has been my go to for a smile or for a tear. In some strange way I find so much beauty in that movie because it’s been a constant. I watched it when I went through lonely, single nights. I watched it surrounded by friends and family just having a good time. I watched it the night I went into labor with Olivia. I watched it after my miscarriage. It is my go-to and I find beauty in a sweet, funny movie.

This summer has been quite painful in many ways. Sadness in death, sadness in what could’ve been. Fear of what lies ahead. Fear of what might be. In some ways this sadness and fear has been personal; in some ways it has been from what I hear or see. I ache and hurt for those around me that ache and hurt.

In sadness and pain I have simultaneously felt moments of sheer beauty- which can only be attributed to a gift from God.

“To all who mourn in Israel, he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair. In their righteousness, they will be like great oaks that the LORD has planted for his own glory.” Isaiah‬ ‭61:3‬ ‭

I have been reminded repeatedly of moments of great pain that were actually moments of pure beauty hand crafted by my forever constant.

I’m reminded of an answered prayer that caused me to uproot myself from my hometown and brought me to where I am today.

I’m reminded of relationships that hurt deeply, but were designed to show God’s glory and grace in my husband.

I’m reminded of the searing pain of childbirth and while tears rolled down my face, my husband prayed with me & read Psalms to me. In unforgettable moments of agonizing pain there was beauty.

I’m reminded of the peace and beauty that washed over me in the midst of great despair while losing a child through miscarriage.

I’m reminded of how many times God uses moments of pain to bring about his beauty through his purposes and glory.

After losing her husband and sons, Naomi traveled back to her homeland where God brought about His glory and redemption through a great love story.

Job lost everything he had and God blessed him beyond measure.

Mary and Martha were in deep despair as they mourned the loss of their brother, but Jesus raised him to life.

As I think of the many people I know going through dark clouds of loss, I pray that you not forget what God has done. If you have, go back and read his word and stories of his goodness, go back and think of your life up until this point. Think of the moments that God carried you, sustained you for his purposes. You are never forgotten. You are always loved by the one who knows everything, who sees what you haven’t.  HE will always be your constant.

I pray that you be washed by the joy and peace that can only come by God, our Father. I pray that in the midst of pain and sadness you find moments of beauty in light of eternity. I pray that God opens your eyes and your heart to see the beauty He alone can give in the midst.

In the silence

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To say that I am hesitant to write this would be quite an understatement. Whether I will actually share my words is debatable, but I am not good with speaking aloud, so I write.

One of my defining journeys on this earth began back in February when God was speaking clear as day to me on something He was calling me to do and I wrestled with Him about it. During that entire month God had me in a call to surrender and obedience. Selfishly, I wasn’t ready for this surrender, because I knew what it would mean… Up all night vomiting, all day hanging over the toilet with a two year old, possible itchy rash from head to toe, another bout of weight gain, and no sleep for a very long time, at least that’s how it was when I was pregnant with Olivia. I anticipated and dreaded going through it again so soon. Ernie and I had a plan to start trying to get pregnant in August not February or March.  I, selfishly, needed more time. But God consistently convicted me to surrender and to obey and so I did.
The last week I had on the pill, Ernie was out of town and I took that time to get alone with God and open His word and stay in His presence. There are times when I am silent, God will clearly tell me where to go in His word, on this night it was Matthew 27. I read all the way through wondering what God was trying to tell me and then –BAM –
Matthew 27:46 “And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” that is “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”
Might seem like a random scripture to have come alive when you’re seeking God about having a baby… but I welled up with tears that night knowing – Eli – his name would be Eli. I would surrender my will to God, just as Jesus did. Little, no … not just little, I had no idea this is how it would end up. Eli was not a call to surrender and obedience in a long, hard pregnancy and in having a newborn to keep me up all night… instead, it would be a call to surrender to endure pain and heartache. It would be a call to surrender in the path of obedience with suffering, just as Jesus did.

“In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence. Although he was a son, he learned obedience through what he suffered.”  Hebrews 5:7-8

Looking back now, it makes a lot of sense why he led me to Matthew 27:46. Jesus suffered in the path of obedience and this was my call, as well. For someone who likes to see the foreshadowing in movies… you’d think I would’ve caught this.

One of the questions I am thankful to not yet ask is “Why?”. (Well, not yet, at least.) I am thankful God made it clear and I am thankful that the years I have spent in prayer, worship, and in His word helped me in the most heartbreaking silence I have ever had to experience.

There are many different stories of miscarriage and they are all heartbreaking, gut wrenching, and terrible.

For us, I was supposed to be almost 8 weeks when we first went to the doctor. I voiced my concerns- one of which- miraculously having no symptoms- not one bit of sickness! (Thinking… maybe that was a reward for my obedience…?) In the back of my mind it actually concerned me quite a bit. My doctor said it could be concern or it could be fine- he did the ultrasound and told me I actually measured at 6.5 weeks and congratulations on having a normal pregnancy with no sickness, and then we heard the most amazing sound every parent dreams of- the heartbeat. It was calm and soft but it was a consistent, strong heartbeat. I laid on the table and Thanked God out loud. I got up and the doctor told me I wasn’t out of the woods, there’s always a 25% chance. I knew this and took it to heart to pray. Several weeks later I continued to have some concerns and worries about this pregnancy, so we went to see the doctor again.
As I laid down and he did the ultrasound, the silence was unnerving. I laid there and prayed. I watched the nurse’s and doctor’s faces… waiting. Then he told me what the baby measured … long pause… “and I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat. I’m so sorry.” My heart dropped and in my head I immediately kept saying “God is still good. God is still good.” Over and over. He asked if I wanted to see and that picture of the little, lifeless nugget will be forever engrained in my mind. I sat up and the tears came rushing… it’s been hard for them to stop since.

In the midst of grief and terrible pain there was simultaneously great peace and thankfulness. I had been studying a lot on suffering after the passing of my 24 year old cousin, Jay. Who knew -that- and the prayers of many of our friends and family would give me that peace I needed in the moments to come.

I immediately had peace in the thought, “Jay has a baby to look after and play with in heaven.”

I had peace in the thought that God promises to work everything for good.  (Romans 8:28)

Then – thankfulness – thankfulness for my doctor. I couldn’t have a better doctor. Someone who sees this so often, yet still one of the most empathetic people I have been around since experiencing this. His heart seemed to hurt right with us. Knowing the statistics and seeing this so often didn’t callus his heart to our pain. He was a gift from God to us. The morning of the D&C I told him, “I sure hope you get to go on a healthy delivery today” and he said in a sad voice, “I see the best and I see the worst.” I haven’t stopped thinking of that phrase. Seeing the worst- for us, a lost heartbeat- sure makes you see the joy and the goodness of life of those we are surrounded by.

Thankfulness for friends and family. Food, flowers, and cards surprised us at our door step. Some dropped everything to watch Olivia while we were in the hospital all day. We felt less alone and very loved.

Thankfulness in the joy of a two year old. “Mommy, you ookaaay?” “Momma, psst… I love you.” The seriousness of her lip-singing let us break out in laughter when we needed it most. The silliness and joy and sweetness of just- her being her- has brought so much life and love and thankfulness. My eyes have been opened to what a precious, miraculous gift she is! Every life is a miracle. Every life is a gift. Every life is a story of grace in the plan God has – whether it ends at 9 weeks in utero or 95 years old. Life is for a plan and for God’s glory.

Overwhelming thankfulness, primarily, for my husband. God knew I would need him. Not only has he consistently prayed with me and been there for me. We cried as one, felt the pain as one. This journey was not just mine, it was ours. WE have seen God’s hand in this far before finding out this devastating news.
We have been studying Exodus and literally every lesson we learned out of it has come back loud and clear in these moments.
“Moses couldn’t see what God was doing or what he was going to do… all he could see was what was happening right then, but God saw the big picture and carried Moses through and led Him.”
“God is gracious and so loving even with someone who consistently doubts and questions Him.”
Just before finding this out, we had been praying for the baby’s health, and Ernie prayed “God no matter what, you are the most important person on earth. Everything and everyone is for you.” That prayer carried me the days to follow and continues to. No matter what, everything is for God and His glory, even pain and sadness in the path of obedience. We are able to be a testament of God’s love, peace, grace, and presence in the midst of sadness not for our sake, but for the Glory and purposes of God.

“For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be glory forever. Amen.” Romans 11:36

And lastly, thankfulness for eternity. I know I will see baby “Eli” again one day. I don’t know for sure if it was a boy or girl, but I do know for sure “he” was alive and still is.

Some might think I’m a crazy lady who watched too much sci-fi growing up, but I will never forget the dreaming sounds I heard right before I woke up from my D&C in that cold, quiet hospital room. I heard the most joyous, loud laughter of a little child running and playing- sounding a lot like Livi- but I’m not quite sure it was. It was so loud and contagious it literally woke me up with a smile. I sincerely believe that was God’s gift of hope to me. Our child is so happy, well taken care of, and well loved for all eternity.

I realize that this story I share is not one people share. It is not one people talk about- unless they know you’ve been there too. However, it is one that is painfully common and has happened to many people around you – you just don’t know. The fact that it is so common does not make it any less painful and doesn’t mean you grieve any less. It is in the silence that many grieve. I see why now. It can be a very lonely experience. I share it in spite of the loneliness and because there must be some purpose in the pain.

Valentine’s Day

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“But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.) And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will. And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”
‭‭Romans‬ ‭8:25-28‬ ‭

I feel like I spent so much of my single years waiting and hoping and praying for the man of my dreams.

He came at just the right time. When I finally let go of my control – He showed up!

There were a lot of things I prayed for in a man and I can honestly say God heard beyond my simple prayers and answered me far beyond what I ever hoped or prayed for.  My prayers sounded much like the Al Green song, “Tired of Being Alone” with the chorus constantly on repeat.

God is so full of grace! Often times when Valentine’s Day would roll around I would feel sorry for myself and think, “Ugh! What a stupid day. Stupid couples! 🙄”.
… But now Valentine’s Day has really become one of my favorite “holidays”! To me this day is truly a celebration of the gift of love God has given me! He has gifted me far beyond anything I ever thought possible! Valentine’s Day leaves me sitting here marveling at how loving and gracious God is!

Did I pray for a man “who’s voice makes me melt like a Popsicle on the Fourth of July”? No. But God blessed me beyond my simple prayers.

Did I pray for a man who would sit with me, encourage me, and hold my hair every time I puked? No. But God blessed me beyond my simple prayers.

Did I pray for a man who would embrace my imperfections? No. But God blessed me beyond my simple prayers.

Did I pray for a man who would recognize my need for sleep and get up every morning with our early bird girl & bring me coffee in bed? No. But holy moly did God bless me beyond my simple prayers!

God made Eynar Ernesto to be my husband and me to be his wife – simple as that concept might seem it is awe inspiring and beautiful if you really think about it.

Now… Did I pray for a man who loves to cook… Not just loves to cook but is an absolutely amazing chef ? Nooo… Honestly that thought never even crossed my mind – I didn’t think it was possible.

Our Valentine’s Day tradition that my Eynar made up when we were dating is for him to make an elaborate meal (something he’s never made before) all from scratch for a remarkable Valentine’s Day dinner!

Here’s a look at this year…

1. Brie stuffed mushrooms

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2. Basil, goat cheese, & pancetta puff pastry bites

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3. Crab cakes with creamy siracha sauce

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4. Grilled Filet & Lobster with roasted spring vegetables

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5. Salted Caramel Pretzel Cheesecake (OH MY GOSHHH!)

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Did I pray for this deliciousness, amazingness, I don’t have to cook a thing-ness? No. But God blessed me far beyond my simple prayers.

And every Valentine’s Day I’m humbly reminded of that.

Moments

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As a woman… I’m sure men have it too… But the more I talk to other women I feel like we all have  “that moment”. The moment you can look back on and say that moment shaped me- made me who I am today. Whether it made you more courageous, more withdrawn, more insecure, or gave you more faith. I feel like most of us can pinpoint different moments in the course of our lives. Our different seasons in life bring on varying moments that are changing and shaping who we are but also affecting those around us.

Maybe it was that moment when you were five and broke your arm and your best friend went everywhere with you (even to the bathroom) to make sure you were okay. Maybe that’s what makes you want to be conscious of the welfare of your friends. You aspire to be just like her.

Maybe it was that moment in middle school when you were made fun of for having a big nose or not having enough clothes for the week and wearing the same ones over and over that were not in style. Maybe that’s why now you care so deeply about your appearance and what others think about you.

Maybe it was that moment your dad took time to sit in the car and just listen to you when he was supposed to be at work, but made you know that you were more important. Maybe that’s why you value the art of listening.

Maybe it was the moment you completely ate it in high school surrounded by your peers just staring at you that makes you appreciate someone who will first laugh hysterically with you, then pull you up still laughing hysterically and call you a klutz.

 

Maybe it was that moment you were told you would never be good enough that makes you second-guess every conversation you have and much of what you do.
Maybe it was that moment you almost burnt your parents’ house down cooking fried okra that makes you very aware of where the fire extinguisher is located in your home and why that moment proved to you- cooking is just not your thing.

 

Maybe it was that moment you met the most selfless, loving human on earth. Who shows you unconditional love and serves you as Christ serves the church that makes you want to give love, honor, and service back.

Maybe it was that moment that you realized you will never be good enough or even remotely close to perfect that makes you constantly rely on God’s grace and mercy knowing He created you, knows you, and loves you as you are. In that moment you know that’s enough. That is all you will ever need.
We’ve all had defining moments that shape us, and another person caused a lot of these moments.

Take a minute and think of what moments you have created for others.
In a moment of frustration with someone else think of the fact that they have had defining moments that make them who they are. Before you’re quick to judge take a step back and realize how we all have had moments that shape our character and thank God for His grace on all of us- that no matter the moments in the past He loves us all in an unfathomable way. His grace covers our insecurities, our fears, our feeling of the need to overcompensate or to be withdrawn. He has shaped our lives and our moments so we cannot only be who we are, but testify to others of His amazing grace and indescribable love.

Think about those that don’t know of His grace and go out and create wonderful, defining moments for others.

Trust Fall

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Some things in life don’t make sense… to you.

Life can be full of what-ifs. And that’s a dangerous game to play.

What if I was more active? (Maybe my jeans would button.) What if I didn’t eat that cookie? (Maybe I wouldn’t have looked so chunky in that picture.) What if I would’ve kept my job? What if I would’ve saved more money? What if I would’ve stayed in my hometown?   What if I spent more time of myself to look prettier? What if I was more talkative and fun? What if they don’t like me? Holy moly, you could go on and on, right?

Well, I’ll take a minute right there. Those “what ifs” can cause you to completely lose sight of who God created you to be. I’m going to be completely transparent here by telling you- since childhood I have been a “mom” and a “teacher”. That is my calling no doubt about it. Except, I do have doubts. I know in my heart of hearts God gave me a heart for children- to teach, to nurture, to discipline, to love. Yet, I continually doubt myself thinking … I should dress better… I should be more outgoing… I should be funnier… I should talk more to adults. This might sound silly, but these are real things I have struggled with since middle school. Bottom line, God didn’t create me to be loud and outgoing or to “fit in”. He made me to teach and take care. God gave me patience for children and I am in the process of developing patience for teenagers and adults… My point is, “what ifs” get in you in trouble and create insecurities that can be damaging.

If you take a second and think about all the “seasons” of life you have been through- whether you are 16 or 65- don’t ask any “what ifs” rather think about the purposes of those seasons. What did you learn? How did you grow? Rather than thinking of what could’ve happened or how you could’ve/should’ve been through them- why not think about the season you are in right now. Think about how God has carried you through so many seasons whether they were filled with insecurities, pain, joy, busyness, or whatever… to this moment… Which will be filled with even more moments and seasons to come to mold you into who He created you to be since day one.

God designed you and your life before you were even born. He mapped out the seasons of your life each strategically designed with purpose. When you sign up to walk with Him you make a trust fall. Scary as it might seem, walking with Him means trusting Him, relying on Him, despite your doubts.

Letting go and making that trust fall means letting God control your yesterdays, today, and tomorrows. Letting go and making that trust fall means being not just “okay”, but thankful for who God has called you to be. It means not asking “what if” but saying, “What now, Lord? Here I am – the person YOU created. I am willing and ready for what you’ve called me to right now.”

How many times in the Bible did people have to give up their control and make a trust fall? Countless.

  • Moses- Exodus 4:10-12
  • Ruth- Ruth 1:16
  • Joshua – Joshua 1:9
  • Esther – Esther 4:14
  • Mary – Luke 1:38
  • Simon Peter- Luke 5:11

I could go on and on… Just read the Bible.

We are no different. Life is full of one trust fall that when you take it and accept who God made you and the seasons of life He puts together for you, it is not only a life of peace and joy, but a masterpiece designed by The One who calls the stars by name.